I still couldn’t believe it led to this. A lifetime of dreams, a decade of laughter, and now three months in a courthouse fighting over stuff I didn’t even care about anymore. How did it come to this, divorce? I guess the signs were there…. Bossy had been distant and moody for months, but she’s a cow. They’re prone to bad moods and gas. It was exceptionally hard to tell when they are upset vs just having upset stomachs.
“Mr. Chomp, are you ready?” I hear a small voice call from beside me. It was my lawyer Catalina Taylor, a barn cat from a small back-wood who spent years clawing her way through school. She was now one of the best (and most compassionate) divorce lawyers in the city. Her fur was a beautiful, unsullied white that was slick coated and always well groomed. Cats were notoriously fussy when it came to hygiene, but I was always impressed with her coat. If I had white fur instead of brown and black spotted, I would be covered in stains all of the time. It was hard enough to keep food out of my billy-goat gruff.
“Oh, yes…What still needs to be done?” I ask, the rhythmic clop of my hooves echoing off the hallway in stark comparison to her padded paws.
“I just need you to sign a few things to agree that you approve the arrangement before we present it to the judge… again.”
The way she tacked on the last word was not lost on me. Catalina was used to taking on messy cases, so her lack of patience was most likely more to deal with me than the details of the paperwork.
“Ready to be rid of me finally?” I say, pulling a pen from my bag.
“Oh no it’s not like that- black ink, not blue remember,” she added helpfully.
“Oh right,” I agree, digging back through my briefcase to emerge with the correctly colored writing utensil. Across the table I could see Catalina open her mouth and then close it, as if she were about to ask a question but talked herself out of it. By the time I had filled in the necessary paperwork, she had worked herself into asking.
“Can I ask something?” Catalina asks meekly from behind her shield of paperwork.
“Sure, what’s on your mind?” I say absent-mindedly as I adjusted my tie for about the hundredth time, fighting the urge to chew on it. Nervous habits die hard.
“Why are you still fighting this out? As far as I can tell she is at fault for the marriage failing to thrive, and it’s not like you have children to work out. It just seems pretty cut and dry…”
“You mean why not just take it all and walk?” I complete her thought, dropping my tie to instead adjust my glasses. Catalina nods beside me, waiting for my answer in the poised, motionless silence that only predators can truly achieve.
“I supposed I’m just not ready for it to be over,” I admit to her, and a bit to myself. It’s not something I wanted to say outload. Goats were known for leading with their heads, so it felt so foolish to admit to thinking with my heart. Being married wasn’t going to keep Bossy around. If it could, it would have already.
I let the silence spread between us for a for moments before I hit her with my own question, “Do you know why I married Bossy in the first place?”
Catalina shook her head immediately, “No, I don’t know what you see in her at all. I would never date a bovine though, so I am probably not a good person to ask.”
My eyebrows shot up at her comment, unable to contain my surprise at the brashness of her words. She caught my look and the backpedaling began. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m not speciest. I’ve just seen more cows and bulls charged for murder than sharks. The only mammals worse as hippos just about.” Catalina explains, holding up her paws defensively.
“There tempers are legendary… But it wasn’t her big blue eyes, or thick hips, that attracted me first. It was her sense of adventure. Everyone in the town we grew up in are such homebodies, content to die in the same pastures they were born in but I wanted to climb mountains and so did she. I guess it was just a matter of time before she wanted to settle down and an RV isn’t ideal for raising kids or calves.”
Catalina sighs, closing the file in front of her. “Can I speak candidly?”
“Haven’t you been already?” I say with a bleating chuckle.
“Fair point, my line of questioning was probably a tad unprofessional, but I was curious,” Catalina admitted with a smooth shrug.
“Careful, I hear that can get you into some trouble.”
“Very original joke, really,” she said with a few, unenthusiastic claps of her paws. “But really, once this is all finished you need to try to move on ok? I better not get a call four months down the line to defend you for breaking into her dairy or something. Take your RV, which she is definitely not getting in this deal, and go swim with the pigs on the beach. Buy a drink for a cute mare and go be that mountain goat. Be sad that its over sure, but don’t cling to someone who doesn’t love you.”
“I won’t-“ my promise was cut off by a loud bang that filled the room, and my world slipping into darkness.
“Miss Taylor, they judge is ready for you now,” a voice above me called from the abyss.
“CAN’T YOU READ THE SIGN? NO SUDDEN NOISES!” Catalina yelled from somewhere in the room, which was fortunate because the sounds around me felt like they were coming to my ears through cotton. I could barely make out a mumbled apology from the assistant before the world cut off completely. Such is the life of a fainting goat….
The Try Hard Writer 